Wednesday, August 31, 2011


I laughed today.  I don't even remember in what context, but I laughed. It surprised me at how easily it came.  I was ashamed of myself for a fleeting moment, but then I let it go.  I don't need to wallow. I can mourn and live at the same time.

I couldn't sleep last night because I took medicine for the cramps that have been off the charts.  While the medicine takes the pain away it leaves me too jittery to sleep (I know, I'm strange).  So it was me, my sleeping husband, my snoring cat and my despair.  What if this never happens?  What if our embryos are just as poor of quality?  How will I live through this again?  What if we just stop? Should we stop? That's when my chest heaves and I can't breathe.

We can't stop.  Not yet.  Only time will tell if we are delusional or not.  I know some people think I'm crazy for wanting to go through this again, but I'd be willing to bet none of those have had infertility.  Look at Celine Dion who recently conceived twins on not her 4th, 5th, but 6th cycle of IVF.  Dr. Sher, who is one of the leading infertility doctors in the country said, "Statistically speaking, a woman under 40 years of age, using her own eggs, having selected a good IVF program is likely to have a better than 70% chance of having a baby within three completed attempts."  

The only people I knew personally who went through IVF were successful on their first attempts.  Now I know people who weren't successful until the 4th, 5th and 6th.  I hate it, I really do.  The thought of the stress and angst can be overwhelming, but again what choice do I have if I want my own child?  I'm not ashamed to say that adopting is not my first choice.  It's far from off the table, in fact I have an attorney on retainer (thanks, Daddy), but I do want to try for my own, and I can.  

Maybe that's the difference.  Maybe having a doctor that still believes that I can get pregnant, that wants to try something new, that is even willing to call other RE's and do some research makes a difference.  It could be my husband cheering me on.  It could be my parents and in-laws who've been so supportive and want me to try again.  It could be God whispering 'don't give up'.  

I cried a lot today, too.  I cried when people told me they were sorry.  I cried when one of my co-workers hugged me.  I cried when people just asked how I was doing.  I enjoyed working, though.  I enjoyed working with students.  I'm  not gonna lie, I stuck with mostly college planning and hopeful things, but I loved hearing the excitement and enthusiasm in my students' voices.   Everything was going swell until a student asked me if I was going to have kids after looking at a picture of my husband and I.  It took my breath away for a moment.  You think, 'oh sweet child, if you only knew'.  I looked at the picture she was looking at and I said, "Yeah, I think so."

Peace, Love and Thinking so,

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