Monday, August 22, 2011

I don't know why.

"Hope is the companion of power, and mother of success; for who so hopes strongly has within him the gift of miracles." ~ Samuel Smiles

I don't know why I have to go down this path.  I know God has a plan for me and obviously is confident I can handle it.  Again, it's not a matter of wishing this were easier, or that I was someone else.  I'm just me.  Perfectly imperfect and blessed to have the resources to give it all we can medically, scientifically, spiritually and otherwise.  I can either choose to not try, or continue doing everything I can do to make my family happen.  All I know is there is nothing I want more than to be miserably pregnant, waking up in the middle of the night to the sounds of hungry babies, and to be cleaning up poo and vomit.  I know if I wasn't meant to be somebody's mother, there is no way I could love two balls of cells as much as I do right now.

As predicted, none of the remaining eleven were able to be frozen.  It was hard news to take but I know they fought and tried because none of them had completely arrested, but they just couldn't quite make it to the blastocyst stage, and, therefore, were not able to be frozen. My poor embryo babies, mommy thought about you every moment and is so proud of you for doing the best  you could.  Things happen for a reason, and I take comfort knowing they were well taken care of.  Susan, the embryologist, gave them until 4:30 staying beyond her normal hours to give them every spare moment she could.  Love you, babies!

Susan called me late this afternoon and said she was very sorry.  She did say that I did have the two very best transferred and told me to remain confident that they are in the best possible place they could be.  They were good looking morulas even if they were a bit behind. I asked her what they looked like on day 3. She said all the remaining embryos were still looking good at that point.  She went on to say that we had options, still, but she did not want to go into them at this point because there was still a chance I could be pregnant.  The odds may be a little lower, but it is still possible.

I know she is right.  I've scoured the internet looking for decent research.  The conclusion is they don't know why this happens.  If we have to go another round (IF, I've got two precious ones on board and Mommy and Daddy are fighting hard so I know they are, too) it could all go wonderfully even without any changes.  I've found plenty of stories where 5 day morulas have become beautiful, perfectly healthy babies. Some have even become twins.   Someone recently even got pregnant from two embryos that were only at day 3 development on day 5.  If it can happen for them, there's no reason to think it can't happen for me.

Even though I got bad (ok, devastating) news, the fact that the 11 were still going today tells me that I'm sure the two that were implanted are still going strong because they are where they should be.  There is every reason in the world to have hope.  And BJ and I do.  We are very hopeful and feel if there are any two morulas that can become beautiful babies, then we got 'em.

Please keep praying for my two babies.

Peace, love, prayers and implantation,
Mary Katherine

~To my 15 wee ones~

"I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death" ~Robert Fulghum

May God welcome you home.  You were strong and brave and so very much loved.

Always with you,
Mommy and Daddy


  1. Thinking of you guys every day, dear one. Thoughts, prayers, and positive vibes headed your way. :)

  2. Hugs and prayers and GROW BABIES GROW! I shared your blog and story with my multiple miscarriage group and they are all praying for you, too. They said there was a woman in the group before my time who only ended up with ONE embryo to transfer, and it didn't look good. Her name is Caroline and she will be 6 next month.

  3. Just thinking of you today MK!


  4. I always read and want to comment, but words never seem adequate. You guys( and your babies) are loved, thought of, and prayed for every day. For a quiet moment, I am able to think beyond my struggles and focus on your journey and the amazing strength you produce every day. I am overwhelmed by the love that you have for your future children, and know that they will be so lucky to have you as parents. We are all here for you, singing a battle cry for these babies. We know you and they are fighting, and we are on the sidelines cheering you all on. Keep fighting, keep believing, keep hoping, because we believe in miracles too.