Tuesday, September 23, 2014

I'm Just So...


I'm so incredibly frustrated, sad, embittered and angry right now.  I know it's anxiety, lack of sleep, and hormone-fueled, but it feels awful, nevertheless. The worse part is that there is no one to be angry at or frustrated with because it's just aimed at life in general.

I'm angry that no one seems to understand why I'm angry.  I'm angry that I'm having this meltdown the night before my embryo transfer. I'm angry that there is a TV series "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" but there isn't a show "I Didn't Know I'd Be Infertile."  I'm angry that we have to go through all of this, and it very possibly (as BJ and I well know) won't work.  I'm angry at people who say "Well, it's not going to be worse than the other times it didn't work."

Every attempt is the worst one yet, because every attempt requires us to pool together all the resources we have including hope.  We drain our hope every month we try thinking this will be it. Else we wouldn't try. And when it doesn't work, we are literally hopeless until we can try again.  It's exhausting and I don't want to be hopeless anymore.

I'm angry that I've become so good at failing.  If you could only imagine failing at something so simple. Imagine it taking 5 years to pass your driving test and never understanding why you failed in the first place.  Imagine consecutively failing a prerequisite for getting into your dream job for years on end as you watch everyone else ace it.  Imagine no one really caring.

I don't know how I feel about tomorrow. I was positive yesterday, negative the day before, and just angry today.  I'm really scared the embryo(s) will not survive the thaw, and it will all be for naught. I'm hoping this is just the pre-transfer jitters.

Peace, Love, And Tomorrow will be better,

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