Thursday, September 18, 2014

It's Go Time!

Well, we got the official green light after today's scan. I'm awaiting my email for the exact timing, but I start my progesterone shots tomorrow evening.  They will be twice a day instead of once a day like with a fresh IVF cycle.  I'm sure my hips are going to look amazing by the end of this...

It's finally the why am I feeling so sad?  I know this is the part where we let go.  We can't control the outcome. Thinking about not conceiving...or as I call it, killing this baby, is just devastating.  I'm scared that this baby won't survive the thawing process, although the chances are extremely low because of how healthy we went in.

I'm scared to be optimistic, and I'm scared to not be, which has just left me in a kind of numb haze. I'm sure, especially with all the hormones, this will change daily, or hourly...sorry BJ.

It's just so easy to take your meds at the right time, show up for appointments, and adjust.  But the act of conceiving a child, the thought of it actually working after it has failed over 50 times, success just seems so foreign.  I know people are going to tell me, "It's all about attitude." But if it really was, I would have gotten pregnant over 4 years ago.  There are factors in play, that I just have to accept that I will never have control over.

I think what I really dread...not the transfer, but Oct. 4th when it is time to test.  I can't stand the thought of being in that fertility clinic one more time for a negative result.  But I'll do it, because this is the one thing I want most in the world.

Peace, Love, and Courage,
Mary Katherine

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