Saturday, January 23, 2016

1 Week

I know, I just blogged yesterday...but I have all these feels and I forgot to talk about my furbabies!!!

So this is kinda where I'm at...I love Matt so much it hurts, I can't believe he's here, I can't believe I got pregnant, I can't believe I'm not still pregnant, I can't believe this over a half decade battle is resolved...I can't get my mind to catch up.

Neither can our furbabies...

So Lucifer, my most aloof of the fuzz-butts, is actually the most interested.  He loves to sniff Matt's head and has resumed his place at the foot of the bed overnight and doesn't seem bothered by the frequent milk breaks.  His big problem is he likes to chew on dummies, nipples, nipple shields are fair game.  So far he's not been too awful, though.

Gaius is AWFUL!!!! He sniffed and seemed curious about Matt on one of our first nights home, and then hissed at him and ran off.  He's been acting out much like a jealous toddler.  He's chewing on cords which he's never done before.  He's laying on all of Matt's stuff, and trying to pick at the glider in his room.  He's just a mess.

And poor Emma Grace.  She's just not totally convinced she has not been replaced.  She sniffs at Matt and is upset when he cries, but she runs off.  We are trying to give her plenty of lovings individually, and Grammy has been a big help with that.  She's making progress.  Like today, I had Matt in an Ergo and sat down beside her. She sniffed and put her head in my lap and we had a love session.  I am not too worried, because if you know Emma, she's a bit of a self-absorbed golden retriever who gets what she wants.  If nothing else...down the road, Matt will be her best friend because he drops food for her...she is a golden retriever, after all.

And then there is me...

I slept pretty hard for a couple of hours this morning and reached for my belly.  It wasn't there!  It's crazy, it's not there (well, mostly not), but Matt is!!  He's been such a doll.

My doula came to visit today and had pictures of Matt's Birthday and a video...I just bawled.  It really has been a whirlwind.  I totally thought I was going to go post dates and have to have a long induction process.  Instead a I had a whirlwind of a delivery.  They say not to expect anything, but holy crap.  I didn't even know I was in labor...which is embarrassing  because an important part of my job as an antepartum nurse is to recognize when my patients are going into labor.

I just did things kinda out of order... and had a horrifying start to my labor which still makes me cry to think about.  I arrived to L&D triage knowing Pico, as he was known at the time, was gone.  I was seriously sure he was gone.  I hadn't felt him move in a long time during one of his high volume busy times in the midst of a slew of some other disturbing symptoms. When you think your water broke and instead find yourself staring at a pool of blood and clots.  It was a lot more than it should have been, but less than a complete abruption, but I had no clue what the outcome of somewhere in the middle amount of blood was.  I was so scared I couldn't really do anything but go into my own "Oh, shit nurse mode"--with the addition of an occasional tear. I told my mom and BJ and I needed to go to triage and wasn't even bothered that it was taking us a while to get our stuff together.  I knew, if I had needed to be cut, I couldn't make it from my house to an OR in a reasonable amount of time to make that happen.  I knew either Matt was gone, or he wasn't, and nothing I could do would change that.  I just busied myself with calling my doctor's office and letting them know I was bleeding pretty heavily with random contractions and hurting in-between and on my way to triage, come what may.  

So Matt was so low when we got to triage, he wasn't an immediate find, but I thought I heard him moving when they got the monitor on.  Then our wonderful nurse got his heartbeat, and it was sweet relief.  My bleeding had also slowed down in the duration of the car ride to the hospital which was another good sign.  I totally thought, ok...we'll have an ultrasound, watch and see what happens, and maybe if things continue to stabilize, we'll go home...and I'll be mad because I'll have to use my leave time before the baby comes, but everyone will live.  Except I was contracting every 2-4 minutes (didn't know that)...and it just went into warp-speed from there.

I never got a chance to get my mind around any of it...You can't and I certainly wouldn't want to change anything.  I really had an easy delivery and a wonderful team of people to care for BJ, Matt and me.  In fact I was the only patient for most of my weekend stay.  My only complaint was the placement of the vanity in our room. This is at the foot of the bed...I mean seriously... I can think of nothing less inspiring to my pushing efforts than watching the damage being done!

Photo by Liz Streeter
Liz, our doula, fixed it...but honestly....

It's like when you are watching ESPN and some gruesome injury happens and they replay it 25 times from multiple angles.  Who wants to watch that?!

But all of that got me to this sweet, cheesy and love of my life nugget.

Photo by Liz Streeter

Peace, Love, And Embracing the Whirlwind,

Mary Katherine & Matt

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