Sunday, January 31, 2016

15 Days of Miracles

Yup, I'm still smitten, and so in love.  I get to look at this everyday.

These boys...I tell ya, they are the best things that have happened to me on so many levels.  They are precious to me, and I seriously cannot believe how easy it would have been to give up on this.  In our lowest of lows, it would have been so easy to let everything go, to stop, to say "enough".  Often peanut gallery members would tell us the same thing.  After all, it's not like infertility will kill you...You'll just wish it would.

But we didn't stop.  We didn't give up.  We pushed on, and we are so glad we did.  It wasn't the way I envisioned, but those things began washing away as soon as Susan, our embryologist, told me I was pregnant.  Even with egg donation I thought there would be doubt.  I wondered when it was first brought up, how I could love a child that was not my own.  I promise, there is nothing about Matt that isn't mine.  I will clobber the first person that tries to tell me he's "not my son".  He very much is my everything.  I grew him, I breastfeed him, I change his diapers when I can't weasel BJ or another family member into it ;).  I cherish him in a way I never thought possible.

It was different, yet I don't know any other way.  I knew I would never have a child that looked like me.  That was part of the processing I did when we took some time off after IVF #2 when we realized my eggs were absolutely junk.

I knew when they handed whoever Pico would be to me, that I wouldn't see my eyes, hairline, nose, etc.  And while none of us are ever guaranteed those things even when our DNA is in play, I knew it was not an option for me.  So when they handed Matt to me, I saw not just BJ's cupid lips, I saw the team of people that made this possible.  I look at Matt, and I see all the love our friends, family and medical team poured into him to help us get to that exact moment.  I saw a miracle, and I will forever be changed in a way beyond just becoming someone's mother.

For instance, I have this unworldly patience when it comes to Matt.  Neither of us are breastfeeding experts by any means, and in all other aspects of my life...patience is not usually the first virtue I am associated with... Yet I can soothe and coax Matt into a latch after 5, 10, 15 ...however many minutes it takes.  He's been so worth the wait, why can't I give him more time? He's so little and trying to figure so many things out.  I appreciate every moment with him.  He's such a gift. Hence the name Matthew - Gift of God - being so relevant.

I have been freed from the burden of infertility.  It's a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.  It's a relief I feel almost unworthy of having, but gratefully accept.  My life will forever be changed because of infertility, and for that I must be thankful.

Peace, Love, and Appreciating the Gifts,

Mary Katherine & Matt

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