Saturday, November 26, 2011

4 Weeks 2 Days

That's how far along I am and it's the furthest along I've been by miles.  BUT, it's not very much at all. Certainly, it's not enough.  It's still pretty devastating.  All this waiting around for bad news is pretty exhausting, actually.

Besides single-handedly ruining Thanksgiving at multiple house-holds this year, I've pretty much done nothing.  The more I move, the more I cramp, so I just don't move.  The cramps are getting pretty painful and low which can't be a good sign.  Add to that my still huge and super-achy boobs, headaches, a sour stomach, chest pain and dizziness, and it's just a regular parade I'm having. 

I pretty much feel like I've hit the wall.  I'm done.  Maybe I'll feel differently after talking to someone next week, but I'd almost rather just be told there's nothing else they can do for us. Then I don't have to wonder 'what if?'.  I could sign up for option number 3 "Have a hysterectomy" and be done with it.  Yes, I'm feeling that bad right now.  I wish I could just crawl in a hole somewhere...

Maybe becoming a heroin addict is in my future...I'm getting pretty good at the whole needle thing.  Plus, they seem to have babies pretty easily.  Did you know that heroin-addicted babies that survive tend to have higher IQ's than the general population?  How's that for fair?

As much as it kills me to take a break, because you always wonder 'would this have been our month?' I think that is what's in order.  It breaks my heart.  This whole process breaks my heart.  I keep wondering what lesson I'm supposed to be learning from all of this...patience, suffering, humility, fortitude?  Did I do something wrong to deserve this?  Am I that terrible of a human being to not get a chance to spawn?  Am I that horrible looking? (I guess my already shotty body image took this last blow kinda hard, too.)  I certainly don't want to become one of those crazy ladies that goes through 10 IVF cycles back-to-back, but if I had the means, I'm sure I would.  So, I need to hit the brakes, now.

Having children did not seem like it was a lot to ask a year and a half ago...


1 comment:

  1. Hey MK,
    I just wanted to check in with you. Please know that I am praying for you. Feel free to email me if you want to chat. My heart goes out to you!