Monday, November 21, 2011

The Hardest Part

I would gladly take shots everyday (actually I am doing that...) wait by the phone for daily embryo reports, get a root canal, fill out Student Support Team paperwork, anything but this part.  The wait for the truth is absolutely the worst part.  I spent most of yesterday crying as I was sure I'm not pregnant. I don't know why, I'm as symptomatic as I was, although my ears have stopped hurting.  I'm still not right in the digestive system situation.  I'm just not right, but I don't feel pregnant either.

All this progesterone messes with me.  It makes me cramp, it makes my boobs feel like burning bowling balls.  I have to catch myself so I don't walk around holding my boobs in the hallway at work.  I could take a pregnancy test, but I'm scared.  Petrified actually.  Whoever thought a $6.99 piece of plastic that you pee on would be so terrifying.  I think I may dress up as a negative pregnancy test for Halloween next year.  I spent three months peeing on those damn things and coming up empty and heartbroken.  They intimidate the hell out of me.

If it comes out negative, I know I'll be ok...

In some ways, it's more devastating than last time.  We had a strong blast and took a different cocktail of meds.  It seems like a bigger failure than last time because we had a strong chance this time.  Last time was devastating because we had no clue that all this embryo development stuff was a problem for us.  Chances were already against those slow-developing embryos.  I'm over the shock of having embryo much as we can be, anyway.  I've read stories, blogs and articles about people with similar issues, and they all got pregnant when they had a blast.  So, please, tell me how can I not be devastated?

If it's positive...That will just be one more hurdle...the beta numbers have to double in about 2 days.  We have to have a pregnancy in the right place, the baby has to develop a beating heart.  The heart has to keep beating from one week to the next. It's not exactly a cake-walk, jump-for-joy moment, but certainly a much better step on the right track.

I wish they could put me in a medically induced coma until it was over.  I want to enjoy next couple of days being "more pregnant than I was last week."  I'm still not good at giving up the reigns.  I know I did everything I could, but up until this point in my life, doing everything I could has never, ever been not good enough.  This whole lack of control thing is a super scary place for me to be. 

And that's just me.  I have an amazing husband who's going through all of this, too.  OK, so maybe not the breast pain, but I do know it kills him to see me so upset.  He'd do anything (and has done) to make this better.  I feel so guilty about being sad because it's so hard on him.  I feel like I'm dragging him through Hell.  BJ is truly one of the toughest men, I've ever met.  I'm so very lucky and blessed to have him by my side. I'm so afraid of the day when we have to look each other in the eye and say, "enough." And 2 IVF cycles in feels like a whole lot closer to that point...

For now, I have to continue to keep my chin up, pray and hope!  It's still the only thing I can do at this point...

Peace, Love, and Hoping so hard,

1 comment:

  1. I love you, girl! Scott and I asre still praying for you and BJ. Hopefully you will have some good news soon!