Saturday, June 21, 2014

Bad Dress Rehearsal = Great Show

...or so we hope.

I'm disappointed to tell you today did not go as planned. 

It was a rough morning to say the least. I was happily chatting with the recovery nurse when 15 minutes later we heard what sounded like Dr. Byrd (Donesky's partner) finishing up and was impressed that it happened so fast. Dr. Bird came back, shook my hand and sighed.

My pulse increased. I just wasn't expecting anything to go wrong today. I couldn't imagine what could have happened to super donor, but here it goes...

"Well, she has a ton of follicles, about 20-30 on each side and we drained 10 on the right side, and got no eggs.  We stopped and flushed the tubing, because occasionally they get caught up and a bunch come out at once, but none came through the catheter."

Warm, wetness falling down both cheeks, my chest  begins to hurt, but I take a deep breath.  Dr Byrd continued.

"We've had this happen one time before in 6 years to another egg donor.  A proven egg donor [one that has created successful embryos that lead to a live birth previously] triggered with Lupron, we went in for the retrieval but the eggs had not detached from the follicle.  So, we gave her an HCG trigger, brought her back in 24 hours and were able to get eggs from her.  This went on to become a successful donation procedure as well."

My heart ached for my donor.  She's been such a trooper, and to have to repeat this process 24 hours later.  I knew she would ask how many eggs they got.  I absolutely hate this.  My head is reeling.

Susan, our embryologist, came out and was just horrified for us.  She took me to her office so I didn't have to be there when Dr. Byrd re-explained the situation to BJ.

Our egg donor was still asleep.  I was still reeling.  This is just crazy.  This isn't something that is even google searchable.  So it wasn't on my radar to worry about, and I was totally unprepared.

From Susan's office I heard our donor crying, and I lost it.  I caused this innocent person who has given up so much for us anguish.  I just felt so guilty and sad and overwhelmed.

Someone said, "You guys have sure been through it."  We have.  It's not simple stuff, that gives us clear-cut answers.  It's always stuff from left field.  People get on to me for worrying so much, but here you go.  I rest my case.

So like I said, I have super donor.  We cried it out for a little bit, she agreed to go again, all the while asking what she did wrong, which was absolutely nothing!!!!! This is just a total fluke.  She's like .0001% well, maybe .0002% now that don't respond to a Lupron trigger which they've started using and she should definitely have because of the sheer number of follicles she has.  She will undergo the procedure again tomorrow.

All and all it has been a rough day.  It was a huge slap in the face that no matter how we try bring children into this world, it's not going to be easy.  We can't take anything for granted. Today I was reminded how easy it is to fall back into that funk.  It's like I could feel that shadow of despair turn my blue eyes gray, leech the gold out my locks, and dull my sparkle.

This was what I had been dreading.  The chest pain.  I'm sure it's actually just a low-grade chronic anxiety attack that I always have when we get bad news, but I like to describe it as the feeling of my heart breaking.  I'm so angry.  I could punch the ground, I could scream how this is not fair, but I'm a big girl, and it's not over quite yet.

I feel so selfish asking for prayers because so many people are in much more dire straits than we are.  I pray that my egg donor is comfortable, not too sore, not nauseous, and will find peace no matter the outcome tomorrow.  We appreciate all the good vibes, thoughts, and love from our family and friends.

I've set my alarm for 4:30 once again.  We'll hit the road to be in Chatt-town bright and early, again. This time with my mother for some extra love and support on the way.  One way or another, we'll get through this.  We'll get through this. Just breath, step forward, and smile...

Peace, Love, And It Ain't Over Until It's Over,
Mary Katherine

1 comment:

  1. Good luck! Wishing you the best and praying for you!