Monday, June 16, 2014

Not Crazy, Just Petrified

Honestly, I'd repressed how scary infertility treatments were.  I remember the expense, but apparently the angst, fear, and anxiety were all repressed.  I can cry now if you look at me.  Or it could be that I officially have female hormones in my body again...I don't know.

I'm so consumed with fear right now.  I'm honest-to-God scared for my future children's lives.  I'd forgotten what that was like.  It's crazy.  Everything is fine.  I intellectually understand that, but at the same time, none of this is fine.  IF it was fine, I would have conceived a child 4 years ago the old fashioned way and currently would be about to have my second baby.  But life isn't always about little girl dreams and fairy tails.

Again, we just won't know until we know that everything works and we have healthy embryos until we have healthy embryos.  I can't make the process go any faster, and I can't know the outcome any sooner.  I do remember how awful and helpless this feels, and I can't say I truly know how to cope with it any better.  The hermit in me wants to bob up and down in the middle of a lake for 2 weeks until this is said and done. If I can't do that, I want to hide under my blankets in my favorite pair of pjs and fuzzy socks and cry. I realize this doesn't change the outcome, one way or the other, but it's just where I feel safe. Hidden away from people who don't understand how hard the next couple of weeks are and just shrug "well, what did you really expect to happen?" if this doesn't work. 

Well, I'll tell ya. For once, I hope to not be a statistical outlier. I hope my egg donor is perfectly healthy and that her eggs are perfectly primed at retrieval. I hope BJ has a healthy supply of swimmers that day. I hope we don't see any fragmentation. I hope we see a normal growth/development rate.

I just hope we see average for once. I hope we see statistical norms. I hope for the not special, not different, not unique. Just...ok. Looking at things like that, we aren't really asking a whole lot.

Peace, Love, and Desparately Seeking Average,

1 comment:

  1. Worry and fear is perfectly human in this process - and yet are so destructive. Cast your worry and fears to God, and let Him take the wheel. xoxo