Thursday, June 19, 2014

Owe Em Jee!!!!

Our donor triggered!!! (FINALLY!!!!) That means her follicles are at the size that they expect the eggs to be mature at on Saturday, so she took medicine to release the eggs from the wall of the follicles so they could be sucked out. It's all very technical. She had a ridiculous amount of follicles and is currently in the running for having the most eggs, according to the Nurse practitioner, but I don't want to let my guard down too much, but as she said we may be going from "Infertile to Duggars---phhhsh".

So Saturday, @ 8:00 am she will undergo the retrieval process and BJ will undertake the sample process, and I will be a nervous mother. My children, will be conceived on Saturday. Yes, I know...they're just embryos to you, but to me, it's all I've ever had, known, been able to have, and God knows I'd given my life to meet any of them outside a Petri dish. Once we were just an embryo.   It's funny because I'm fairly liberal on the when does life start debate, but for my personal children, the only life they've been able to achieve is as tiny stem cells. 

But they were my tiny stem cells, and I yearned for them with a mother's heart and weeped for them as a mother who's lost. It's funny how I thought I'd never be able to love a child from an egg donor when the subject was first broached. I've loved these eggs since I saw the first follicle count. 

Since I really have no idea what a freeze all cycle entails, I decided if we got this far I could email the embryologist and just ask what to look for, when she would freeze, and what our goals should be. I am so hopeful it scares me. I should be more scared of bad fertilization rates and egg quality, but I'm excited. I can't help myself.

Hope is a funny thing. It enables you to overcome fear whether the cause is gallant or futile. But without hope, you'll never know. So where does this hope lead us now? To bliss or despair? 

In the long run, it will lead us to the future that we will adjust to, no matter how different it is from the one I envisioned with BJ 8.5 years ago. It will lead us to growth, strength, some will say character building as if my character could get much bigger, lol, and eventually acceptance.  

Peace, love, and hoping for a shot at this parenthood thing,

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