Monday, June 23, 2014

Don't tell me...

Don't tell me I don't know the heartache of motherhood.

Don't tell me I have no clue how much you worry over your children.

Don't tell me I don't understand what it's like to have children, because you don't understand what it's like to know you have children from the absolute moment you have a single egg and a single sperm to worry over.

This weekend was the worst roller coaster of treatments we've been on so far.  As veterans on this path we thought we were prepared.  What we got came out of nowhere.  Our team of physicians and embryologists went above and beyond for us.

And what we got was 4 eggs.

Only 4 from the possibly 60 follicles they saw.  They worked their tails off to get them. They suctioned and flushed each one, they suctioned all the fluid free in her abdomen, but all they could get was 4.

So our embryologist thought they looked mature.  We were happy with that, because it was so much better than 0.  There was the tinge of disappointment because less numbers give us less chances, BUT, as of that moment we had 4 chances, 4 better chances than we've ever had.

So we got home around 11:00am exhausted and scared and anxious to know what was happening to our eggs and sperm.  So I decided to visit our friends we've been neglecting.

BJ and I were having a wonderful time with our very thoughtful friends. We were wrapping our visit up when our embryologist called. I just looked at BJ when the ID appeared on my cell phone.  I could not think of any good scenario in which our embryologist would be calling the evening after she had fertilized our eggs.

She began by saying the eggs were mature.

'We already knew that,' raced in my head.

She continued, "They responded well, to being fertilized. That is 2 obstacles down!"

I think I just said,  "OK."  I was really just too confused to understand what was going on.  Did she lie to us earlier? What happened?  I texted her an apology for sounding short, I was just so startled and... confounded I guess would be the word because all the sudden we were 8 hours behind what I thought we were...

By text message she said she knew she had startled me, but she wanted to call because it was more personal.  Apparently, when she finished washing the eggs off, they were "on the cusp of maturity", but they were not totally mature. I would have died if I had known that at the time, so I'm almost glad I didn't know.  They responded well to being incubated.  They acted pissed off when she performed ICSI (injected sperm into them) which is how healthy eggs should be.  Resistant to being entered by sperm.  (Again we ask ourselves, how does anyone get pregnant?) I didn't ask, but the way she explained it to me makes me wonder if my biological eggs were slutty and just all like, "Come on in."...whores....

OK so that's fine and dandy.  I can inject things into things and that' s not necessarily going to mean magic is happening.  Our embryologist said she did her fertility dance, prayed, sent juju and good vibes over these four.  She reiterated how special we were, how much she wanted this to work, and reminded us that these were 4 good eggs.

Which brings us to today.  They fertilized normally.  They are on track.  ALL 4 ARE DOING FINE!  The anxiety and tension are down.  We can't be too picky.  We are miles ahead of where we were.  We are cried out from the weekend.  But we are still moving forward.

I love these 4 little zygotes more than anything.  I'm in love.  I pray, I send good vibes, I send juju, I beg, I hope and I smile because I officially have 4 embryos.

The next hurdle has always been the beginning of our downfall.  Day 3.  Ours were beginning to fragment, arrest, and slow in growth.  We will continue to hold our vigil, celebrate the life we have, and continue on...maybe with more glittery headbands than usual...

Peace, Love, and Growth,

Mary Katherine

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