There she goes!

Well, she passed.

Our donor's labs are glorious.  Her numbers put me to shame.  I guess that's why I'm barren... Anyway, I continue to pray that she is safe, comfortable and can one day know the massive amount of gratitude and thankfulness we owe her but that there is no measurable way to reimburse her for embarking on this crazy journey.   

It's hard for me to accept all this, "It's working."  I'm so ready for the shoe to drop.  I mean it always drops for us, eventually, but I live my life braced for it.  Which is maybe slightly better than living in despair...but only slightly.  

So today the fertility clinic is wanting to know where I am in my cycle so they can go ahead and start planning ahead for our upcoming FET (frozen embryo transfer)...which is weird because if it were me stimulating they'd be all like...let's just see how injecting yourself goes tomorrow.  Let's see if the band-aid stays on...let's see if you have an ovary left...on that note...

So they seem all positive and planny-aheady and want to know when my periods are so they can tentatively pencil me in for a saline-infused-sonogram (SIS).  Anytime anything depends on my body doing something regularly, I get anxious and panicky...because my ovaries are anything but dependable.  I'd put more money on a politician being honest than my ovaries...I digress...

What makes matters worse, is that this should be simple because I've been on birth control pills...When my Depo Provera shot ran out, my period came back with the wrath of the woman scorned complete with the usual nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, cramping, and sit down before you pass out even if it's while your walking down the hallway...It's cool...it's what cool people with endometriosis do when they see the black curtains closing across their field of vision.  

So on that note, Dr. D had me skip the inactive pills and just take the blue pills straight through...Ideally, no more periods...Hooray! Except now if I'm not having breakthrough bleeding, I'm having heavier bleeding at least every other week.  And yes I did wait until the Sunday after my period to start taking my pills, but alas...constant muckery.  I will say the cramping is tolerable and the nausea gone. 

Leading back to panic at having to answer when my period is because it should be never but it's almost always, and something along the lines of telling Dr D's medical assistant... "I'm ashamed to admit I don't know how to answer your question even though I work in women's health given that I'm not supposed to be having any bleeding at all, and I feel like I'm bleeding more than I'm not, and I have 4 more blue pills on this pack so I guess it's Day 17 today unless you count when I started bleeding this week, then it's Day 4, but if you count when I started bleeding the first time on this pack it's like Day 13. Did that help? I'm sorry."

So now, I have to start taking the placebos...dammit...and I have a new prescription, Estrace. So I'm sure my mood will be super lovely since estrogen and I are total frenemies.  Poor BJ...maybe he can join a support group.  So super-fun times to be had taking my menopause/transgender pills! YAY!

I could speculate at what's happening to my ovaries, but none of it really matters or changes the outcome of what we are doing.  Only confirms that we made a good decision to give up on my ovaries and eggs. I could get all torn up about it, but it's too little too late, and frankly, not surprising.  No matter what happens down the road, I would do anything for the chance to have a child to call my own.  

Peace, Love, and Bring it, Bitch,

MK