Wednesday, June 4, 2014

What is this feeling? So separate? So familiar?

Tomorrow is a big day for us. The make or break appointment where we find out if our donor's ovaries are quiet enough to start stimulating. 

When it was me, I was a nervous wreck. While I'm certainly anxious, I'm also feeling quite like the third wheel. I've also spent the evening celebrating a difficult kickball loss with a hard cider which was definitely not on any of my previous cycle's agendas. 

It's exciting, but so in the distance. It's a little terrifying. I have no control. I have to put my faith and trust in another human being to raise my potential children for the first two weeks of their potential lives. That's hard for somebody like me with control issues. It's hard for me to ever "relax and enjoy the ride" so to speak, at least when it comes to major life milestones. 

Actually, it's a lot like riding pine when you are the injured player on a team. Your heart aches to be the one taking the hits, but your body just can't do it anymore. You feel guilty letting your team down, guilty that you may have contributed to your injury in some stupid way, and guilty you can't contribute now.

There will always be a sense of loss surrounding our quest to build a family. Throw in fertility treatments, no success, early pregnancy loss, there will always be a pang to get back something we simply cannot have. 

So our choice is to wallow in that sorrow, or try something different. And tomorrow we earnestly start trying something different.

Peace, Love, and Riding Pine Gracefully,


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